5+Fai+Lee+Yu+Tse

Draft 2

Everyone was chatting. Not about recess, not about games, but about the birthday party of John, my classmate. We heard about enormous birthday cakes, large trays of food and a wide variety of gifts to give us. It was so exceptional that we can get gifts! We are all invited, though John was a bit reluctant to invite Henry, one of my good friends. Henry was known for his dirty little tricks on his classmates, which could be quite harsh at times.

Suddenly, one of our classmates shouted," The teacher is coming!” Everyone hurtled back to their seat except for Henry. He placed some stones on the floor and waited for the teacher to walk into his trap.

Just as the teacher came in, we saw her flying into the air and her face landed right on the seat. “Henry,” the teacher with thousands of experience of this said, “this trick is planned by you again, isn’t it?”

While the teacher was teaching, Henry was scribbling on his paper. His eyes were not looking on the whiteboard but on the evil-looking paper. His eyes stared with betrayal to the paper and at once I thought I knew what he was doing, probably trying to play tricks on the teacher again.

Henry kept his mind full about his plans, not noticing about the angry face approaching him. “Henry! What are you doing!” the teacher screamed at him, with a sound which sounds a bit like what a sound a person who lost his voice makes. The scheming Henry, well-known for his careful plans, secretly switched the papers without anyone noticing. “This is what I am doing,” Henry said.

“Hmm… I think a person like you will not be taking down notes of Science,” the teacher said. “And where is your worksheet?” “Teacher, I forgot to bring it,” Henry said. The teacher gave a deep sigh and continued the lesson.

“Ring!” the school bell rang. Everyone rushed through the door like bumblebees trying to squeeze through a tiny hexagonal wax cell. “Remember to meet me at my house later!” John cried, before everyone charged all the way back to their home.

“Hey, Henry, want to walk with me to John’s house?” I asked. “Sure,” he replied. I walked along with Henry, chatted for a long time and unwillingly separated since he said he needed the toilet.

John rushed through his lunch, and then tried to gather everyone at the field. We went to his home after that and put our bags waiting for gifts to be stuffed inside there. I guessed that we are probably playing soccer since we were at the field. John went back home to take his balls, but when he took the balls and ran to the door, one of the balls dropped and hit a vase. “Why did you take so many balls at one time!” his mother scolded him, but in the end, he still came to us dribbling several soft balls. “Let’s play dodge ball!” he said with a smile which I thought was not really genuine, and we tried to hit each other for a period of time.

Next, we went back to his house, playing lots of fun games and activities. Some are captivated in video games, some are interested in sharing their birthday experiences, but I was isolated. Nothing was able to catch my eye. Suddenly, I felt a pat on my back. I turned back and there was Henry. “Why don’t you join the video gamers?” he very caringly told me. And I did go.

I kept my big eyes on Henry, wondering about what he was doing at school. But my video-game partners told me to concentrate as I was losing. After losing many times, I decided to go to the toilet. Just then, I slipped and fell. I looked at what made me fall and found a piece of paper on the floor. It was a prank to be played on John! At that moment, I denied it that Henry had been the person doing this. But when I turned, I saw Henry walking among the thirty bags put at the corner of another room. He looked around his sides and then taking out an expensive mobile phone in one classmate’s bag and placed it in John’s bag. Suddenly, he spotted me and ran for cover before freezing.

I knew what he was going to do next — blame John for this. But I looked at the paper again. Must this be Henry’s? Did I see wrongly and Henry was not there? I tried to deny it, but I couldn’t. “He is forgetful, so he needs the paper to remind him of what to do. The betrayal-looking eyes of his during the lesson looking at the paper must mean that he had been planning this, and he is trying to do it now!” I thought.

I did not know how to respond. Do I tell John about that? Or do I keep it as a secret and protect Henry? My mind was like a battlefield, one side called the “sense of right” army and the other side called “protect friendship” army. The army needed support from me in order to win, so which one do I support. An idea came to my mind. What if I just keep it a secret and put the mobile phone back? But what if someone passed by and thought that I was doing the trick?. At the end, I decided to observe him for a while to see if he would put the mobile phone back.

While I was spying him from the bathroom, “Do you know where Henry is?” John interrupted me. I quickly came up with an excuse and replied, “He is probably in the toilet upstairs.”

The battle was still there, both armies having a draw. Gradually by gradually, the “sense of right” army was nearer to winning. I started to think about telling John. But then, would my friendship with Henry break up?

After much struggling, I decided to tell John. When I could see John, I reluctantly waved my hand to attract his attention, not knowing that Henry’s eyes opened wide.

“What’s the matter?” John asked. “Henry… he played a nasty trick on you. He put…put David’s mobile phone into your…your bag and tried to blame you for keeping…keeping David’s…David’s mobile phone,” I read off from the paper.

David heard it and was horrified. John looked a bit expressionless. “Never mind,” John said, and Henry slowly walked out of his hideout. David scolded Henry quite harshly, but not John, as he was carefree, though he did took away some little gifts to give him.

After the class left the party, Henry walked with me. “Yu Tse,” he said, " I promise that I will never play tricks again.” I knew that Henry was still capable to be a good friend with.

Comment I:

Where is the birthday party held? I don't see it in the story. But generally, very interesting plot. You might have spiced up the characters a bit more - it'll definitely make a great story! -Gavin Jared Bala

Comment II:

Sorry! I found the bit about the birthday party. But - doesn't the trick have to be played at the birthday party? -Gavin Jared Bala

Comment by Edgar: I always thought that when you say that your mind is a battlefield, one side says yes and the other no. In your case, you had different thoughts for both sides. They don't seem like a battlefield any more. One should say yes, the other no to the yes. At least that is how I think it is....... Comment by Edgar: Why did you say that Henry can still be a good friend so quickly? Let Henry explain humself and apologise. It will be more sensible. Comment by Jeremy. I changed a few grammatical errors. I think you missed out the table of what the character's personalities are. Also, i think you can try to characterise Henry as a forgetful person earlier, instead of telling the reader upfront. Also, i dont think Henry would be so good as to make friends instantly. Maybe him getting reprimanded by an adult would be better? Reply by Yu Tse: Thank you for your helpful comments. Your comments have helped me improve my story. Comment by Tianyi: punctuation Comment2 by Tianyi: I think that Henry was too willing.. hope i was helpful too Comment by Kiat Jun: I dont think the part whereas John asking where Henry was is neccessary. Cheng Yuan: I do not think the last "with" is nesassary. Comment by Han Wei: I think you should change the last speech made by Henry. I think it sounds like you were in a rush trying to end this composition.

Comment by Ken Zho #1 I can see you are trying to characterize John in the part where he dropped the balls (sorry this sounds a little awkward) but maybe you could work a little on that a bit more? I can tell he is very excited but if you look at John's character, do you think anybody would believe that he stole David's phone? You have to give John a bit more personality to enforce this point. (You should make it look like it is believable for John to steal David's phone).

Comment by Ken Zho #2

If you are Henry's best friend you should be able to convince him to put the phone back as you mentioned that in the end Henry ws quick to apologise and he became good quite easily. Maybe you'd like to work on this too. hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi anyone wants to revive this site?