5+Fai+Gavin+Jared+Bala

To read my draft 3, please read http://chps-5gh09.wikispaces.com/5+Fai+Gavin+Jared+Bala+Lászlófejestóth+Draft+3.

**Characterisation Process Writing Assignment Draft 2** t was September the 15th and that meant Alfred’s birthday. It was going to be a gala celebration, marking his tenth birthday. All thirty of his classmates were invited – a great number. The moment school ended, everyone rushed at breakneck speed out of school and towards Alfred’s home. Alfred shot home so fast that he arrived first, in time to put up the last few white tinsel decorations and welcome them at the front door. A few seconds later, a stampede of rowdy boys arrived through the door. “All right, let’s get started!” Alfred whipped out a CD and started playing his favourite rock’n’roll music. [u1]
 * **I** ||

Charles replied, “Yup! We have 4 minutes 12 seconds!” The third, a boy called David, then said, “C’mon! Hurry up! We need to attach the hoses fast!” They attached the hoses to the tap and fixed them quickly so that they would lead to the extremely tall tree in the house’s garden. They hurriedly returned to the living room just before the rock song faded out. The three boys, Ben, Charles and David, were great troublemakers in class. Ben was fond of disrupting the class with all kinds of self-made toys (not to mention his “great eraser-firing machine” that he typically aimed at the teacher’s backside when the teacher was busy writing on the whiteboard, which actually resembled a wooden catapult.). Charles was a small-sized boy with a mop of hair, typically acted as Ben’s assistant as he did not usually have many good ideas. David looked like a pleasant boy on the surface, but he was actually the schemer for the pranks and was able to convince Ben and Charles to follow his schemes. [u2] Alfred said, “Okay! Now, after the preliminaries, we go outside! All the yummy-delicious food is there!” “What food?” all thirty classmates asked in unison, saliva drooling out from their mouths. “We’ve got KFC, McDonald’s, Burger King, MOS Burger, Carl’s Jr.’s…” rattled Alfred. “…and of course, the special triple-layer birthday cake! Cut into thirty-two pieces, two for me, one for each of you. Filled with chocolate, mango, strawberry…hey, where’d they go?”

“HEY! It’s my birthday party! I need some, it’s my birthday you know, please be thoughtful and…they’re gone again…” “Sigh…all right, you win…” Eric handed his Carl’s Jr.’s packet to Alfred. Ten minutes later, all the food had disappeared! [u3] <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Greedy, greedy!” said Alfred jokingly. “But now for the highlight of the ceremony – the cake!” He did not notice that Ben, Charles and David had secretly left the garden. <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Meanwhile, in the bathroom… <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Lookout!” said Ben. “Has anyone noticed the hose yet?” <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“No, coordinator!” replied Charles. <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hoses connected?” <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yup!” said David. <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Then it’s time to take action! 5…4…3…2…1…” they said in unison. <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A few seconds earlier… <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Blow! Blow! Blow!” everyone cried. <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But suddenly… [u4]

<span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-comment-continuation: 5; msocommentcontinuation: 5;">“Hey! My candles! They’ve already been…sputter sputter…blown out! Now I can’t make a wish!” <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-comment-continuation: 5; msocommentcontinuation: 5;">“The cake! IT’S RUINED! IT’S COMPLETELY RUINED‼ IT’S ABSOLUTELY RUINED‼!” screamed Alfred. [u5] <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A surge of terror struck everybody. <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Everyone rushed inside. “Oh, //no//…” said Alfred. <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Keep the water supply up! We’ll run into the living room whilst they mope in the study.” They did so, under Ben’s command. They were still not noticed.

<span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-comment-continuation: 6; msocommentcontinuation: 6;">The trio blushed. “Erm…we er…” <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-comment-continuation: 6; msocommentcontinuation: 6;">“I get it,” said Alfred. “You fixed up the whole thing. Didn’t you?” <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-comment-continuation: 6; msocommentcontinuation: 6;">“Erm…yes…” The rest of the classmates were quiet. What would Alfred do? they wondered. They were surprised at Alfred’s calmness and in fact, he was smiling wickedly at the trio. <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-comment-continuation: 6; msocommentcontinuation: 6;">“So.” Alfred walked into his mother’s room and informed her. A couple of minutes later, he walked back in. <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-comment-continuation: 6; msocommentcontinuation: 6;">“My mother is going to go out and buy another cake after she shuts off your apparatus. Since you seem to have such a talent for created props for shows, you had better help me with my DI project as punishment for spoiling the party!” <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-comment-continuation: 6; msocommentcontinuation: 6;">“What the great frilly pants!? Erm…we er…but we’re not free…erm…” The trio stuttered and stuttered. <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-comment-continuation: 6; msocommentcontinuation: 6;">“No excuses!” said Alfred. <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-comment-continuation: 6; msocommentcontinuation: 6;">“Oh, //no//, oh, //no//, oh no oh no oh no oh no oh //no//…” [u6]

 [u1] <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif';">Interesting.Why did they want to play a trick in the first place? They are Alfred’s classmates. Possibly they want to ruin his party as they do not really like him. Perhaps it was so.  [u2] <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif';">This highlights the pranksters’ thoughts and feelings, and may provide hints of what they may want to do.  [u3] <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif';">This part does highlight some of Alfred’s friends, who seem to be quite playful. But why //do// they need to be highlighted? They do not reappear.  [u4] <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif';">They do seem quite intelligent! That tells us another thing about them, doesn’t it?  [u5] <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif';">Alfred is quite clear now! He is quite emotional.  [u6] <span style="font-family: 'Century','serif';">Alfred gets the last laugh. This part also highlights the trio as characters which play a major role in the story, unlike Eric and Fred which only occurred once or twice. Comment by Edgar: You wanted to practice writing scenes where different characters do things at the same time. The villian prepared the prank as the protagonist did something. However, remember to put it across clearly as some people may think the events are continuous and may be confusing. Nice job though!

Comment by Wei Liang Your story was not bad, but the ending was rather adrupt as you didn't say what happened after they were asked to help with the project in the end.

Comment By Jeremy: The story was quite god (not to mention funny) but you could have improved on the timeline of events. It is not really very realistic. Usually, the cutting of the cake would be somewhere near the end of the party. Also, some people would not have arrived if you cut the cake so early. And, the cake would be a little wet, and some of it would land "splat" on the birthday boy's face. This would create a big mess, not to menton about it being ruined. The bad boys should have been reprimanded.

Comment by Yu Tse: Very good story! I have one question: how did the pranksters manage to place the hose under the birthday cake, when it is supposed to be on top of something resembling a stage? The pipe could be seen.

Reply to Comment by Yu Tse:

The hose could spray at a large distance. Comment 2 by Yu Tse: Is Alfred sarcastic when he says that he wants them to help him in the DI project? Is he really meaning it or just kidding? If he meant it, would he consider about the bad deeds the three boys had done?

Well, Jim Yu was trying to correct grammar and fix up the DI/game because he said "it would be like cheating". But this is not what the teacher pointed out. Comment by ctjy: i think the plot is good but sometimes u could be over dramatic... Comment by Ken Zho #1

I think that the story is quite good but here are somethings u need to consider: During the cutting of the cake, there would be many social events like taking pictures or singing the birthday song. They would be able to find out that the three boys were missing by then.

Comment by Ken Zho #2

After Alfred found out that his cake was ruined and went to sob (or whatever he did after that), as a natural reaction, shouldn't a few people or at least somebody try to find out what caused it?